It’s tough being the king, I guess.
That’s how young Kyle Rittenhouse must be feeling right now becoming the center of his country’s patriotic attention. His people are constantly being contacted by the people who represent such luminaries as luxury ball-bearing producer Joe Barron, musical superstar Jethro Tull, and performance artist Ben Shapiro.
But when the former President of the United States, Sir Barack Hussain Obama gave him a call personally, Kyle had one simple response for him.
“Urrr…will there be any fruit roll ups?”
Obama, confused by his clever response, started over, reintroducing himself, and offering forth a meeting, anywhere Rittenhouse preferred, for a nice beer or coffee and some conversation. Guess what happened?
If you guessed : “Kyle hung up the phone and went to get the steel wool scrubby since his mother was calling from the other room about her pus-filled bunyons,” you’d be dead on the nose balls accurate.
Rittenhouse told Obamawatcher that his mother’s feet were constantly in danger of infection, and needed to be scrubbed at least twice a day. He hurried off, and vanished. We spoke to family friend and home toilet-plunger entrepreneur Karl Lipschitz for an explosive conversation.
“Are you ready for this? There is NO KYLE’S MOM. Listen. Mrs. Rittenhouse passed away from hiccups some five years ago. All that remains is her skeleton and summer dress in a rocking chair. Kyle puts on a wig and transforms himself into her at will. Those are HIS bunyons, and he drove himself on that fateful night. How NUTS is THAT?”
Repeated inquiries to Mrs. Rittenhouse yielded only high-pitched voices talking about weapon calibers and incessant giggling with background noises of Fortnight.
Although the Rittenhouse-Obama meeting failed to gel, the former leader of the free world sent a reply to media via fax.
“THAT BOY GOT MORE PROBLEMS THAN DENZEL WASHINGTON AT A MERLE HAGGARD CONCERT. JUST TRYING TO HELP. PEACE.”