The Maserati XJ-2 Is a lot of things. Prime quality automobile. Supreme example of class distinction. Mobile base of operations for a person of stature and preferred elite breeding.
And now, murder weapon?
That seems to be the case for Chicago inmate 31344-2, also known as Michelle Quiznos Obama, who was arrested last night after police caught her using one to flee the scene of a vehicular accident shortly after 2 a.m. The former First Lady and author is being held by authorities without bail at the Queefington Heights police station.
The shocking event took place sometime around twelve-thirty, according to Joe Barron, the first officer on the scene. Barron described what can only be referred to now as a “rolling Benghazi of human meat tenderizing.”
“Mrs. Obama had been making her way home from a party taking place at the home of family friend George Clooney. At approximately twelve-twenty eight, she failed to negotiate a curve at 5th and Southard avenues, and skidded across two lanes to strike and kill one Christopher Blair. She then started the engine back up, and attempted to speed away.”
The fifth avenue, fifth avenue, fifth avenue heeeeaaarrtt breeaaakk was devastating, and when Obama was tested at the scene, her blood alcohol level was 37.7%, which is far and away over both the legal and physically possible limits.
Authorities plan to charge Obama as early as today with the hit-and-run, as well as driving under the influence and conspiracy to drive Trumptards insane by the very mention of her name. Former President Barack Obama had no official comment at this time.
Christopher Blair is survived by his wife and eight children. He was a gifted troll heading back from a gigantic celebration in Washington D.C. on foot. It’s been requested that any donations to be made to the family be carefully folded and shoved up your own ass.