It’s that time again, people. August 4th. On this day back in 1865, Captain Marlboro James landed his cigarette-shaped ship at the French quarter and infected hundreds with the Bloogie Flu, and in 1983, Phil Collins and O.J. Simpson were briefly wed in an affair that would shake up the British tabloids.
It’s also the birthday of one former American President, a two-term Muslim insurrectionist named Barack Hussein Obama. Notice the “Hussein.” Mmm hmm. Know anyone ELSE by that name? That’s what I thought.
At any rate, it’s that guy’s birthday today, and of course, he’s throwing a huge party for all of his friends, family, and questionable relations. According to Joe Barron, who was disinvited this year due to an accident involving his pubic hair being glued to his eyebrows until he pays his fuc*in’ bill at the 24-Hour Fitness, the sights are set to be quite the hulabaloo indeed.
“So there are going to be there buffets, I’ve heard, one for the regular people, one for the Covid-afflicted, and one just for Speaker of the house Nancy Pelosi herself, who will be dining alone and will be waited on by half-naked Chippendale’s dancers.”
“The two normal buffets will feature rack of lamb, filet mignon, chicken cordon blue and a host of fresh vegetables and accoutrements. Afterwards, they have several games scheduled, a charity auction, the Ferris wheel sing-along, and random knightings by Queen Elizabeth. The anti-vaxxers get a choice of ramen noodles or toast and then have seventeen minutes afterward as a head start before the Most Dangerous Game begins.”
What Barron failed to mention is that every single person at the party is required to donate one hundred thousand dollars to a charity for black people on the way in. If you think that’s not Black Lives Matter holding out a little Dixie cup on the lawn, you’re cracked in the head.
So that’s it. We report. You decide. Me? I’ll be at the bar, thank you very much. Hit me with a double, sweetheart. I’m driving.