Michelle To Headline National Cinco De Mayo Parade

UGH.

Cinco Dr Mayo is fast approaching this year, and the national celebration is due to be a great spectacle, played out during a New York City parade to be televised and streamed to millions worldwide.  Headlining the gala event to give praise and thanks to America’s healthy and beloved Latino population is bestselling author, humanitarian, activist, and universally adored First Lady Michelle Obama.

To many on the right, the holiday’s Latino origins are offensive, seen as a celebration of a foreign culture in the United States, which they seem to have forgotten was meant to be a “melting pot.”  Others of the racist Trumptard cult, however support the festivities, mistakenly believing that the “mayo” part refers to mayonnaise, a popular condiment among the elderly Caucasians.

But why Michelle Obama?  Democratic strategist and driver of the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile Sandy Batt explained.

“She’s a very smart and popular personality who has long been an activist for those who are discriminated against in America.  She’s had her share of morons and dipshits fantasizing that she’s a ‘man’, or making racist comments about her, and really identifies with all people of color.  We’re actually hoping that just seeing her will trigger a few dozen Boomer pacemakers to go full on Enterprise self-destruct.”

“AT LEAST COVER TIMES SQUARE WITH PLASTIC! THINK OF OUR BOYS IN BLUE HAVING TO PICK UP ALL THOSE BURNT UP THRIFT STORE SUN HATS!”

The parade is being organized in the Empire State through Representitive Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez with congressional funding from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who will, of course, pull the money out of social security.

Also making appearances in the parade are Latino celebrities Rosie Perez, Ricky Martin, and Emilio Estevez, a rare appearance, since the actor avoids any close contact with moving vehicles after starring in the 80’s horror film “Maximum Overdrive.”

With such a star-studded blowout set for the 5th, it sure looks like America is really starting to wipe the racist, bitter shit taste of Donald Trump out of their exhausted palates.  Si se puede, indeed.

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