Michelle to Voice Princess Role in New Disney Feature

OH COME ON.

It’s a difficult time for Hollywood during the ongoing pandemic. The Trump Plague has caused insurance rates for older actors to skyrocket, workdays to drag after filling with virus testing measures, and budgets to swell with time-sensitive reshoots.  But one genre not affected as much is animation.

Also unaffected, Christian actor Kirk Cameron, who hasn’t come within twelve feet of a human being in decades because they’re filthy, dirty, and sexy.

Companies like Disney have taken these facts well in hand, with several animated features already in the works.  One advantage is that voice actors are able to deliver their work from home.  One of the more well-known of these will soon be former First Lady Michelle Obama, who is lending her talents to the upcoming feature “Charlie”, from the Mouse House itself.

The tale, by legendary screenwriter Joe Barron (Reindeer Games, Human Centipede 2, Showgirls), is an all-ages “reimagined reboot” of author Stephen King’s Firestarter. Young Princess Charlene, (Voiced by Mrs. Obama), must learn to suppress her fiery temper and abilities to find her way in the world while escaping the evil machinations of an genetic scientist (Vin Deisel) from an organization called “The Shop.”

With a budget of nearly $200 million, Disney is putting a lot of faith behind the film, planning to sandwich it between Marvel blockbusters next summer on it’s streaming Disney Plus platform as well as in theaters, if enough paranoid schizo Trumptards can manage to wear masks and get vaccinations so we don’t end up as a goddamn Walking Dead season by then.

“SCREEETCH WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HEATH!”

For her starring role in the film, Michelle will fetch a fee of nearly $120 million, which sharp-eyed readers will notice is more than half of the movie’s entire reported budget.  Hey, playas gotta get paid, yo.  Don’t be hatin.

Although former Genesis hitmaker and Hair Club for Men spokesman Phil Collins had originally been pegged to provide the film’s soundtrack, incidents involving mass vomiting and ear infections during test screenings in response to his music have put that aspect into delay.  Producers are in talks with former smash hit rockers A Flock of Seagulls as replacements.

 

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