Michelle To Be Biden’s Press Secretary

WOW.

Michelle Obama is one of the most accomplished female figures of the age.  As a former First Lady, bestselling author, and entrepreneur as well as public speaker, she’s known nationwide on a first name basis.

Now, it’s been confirmed that she’ll be taking over the role of Press Secretary for incoming President Joe Biden, following in the footsteps as such Trump administration luminaries as Sean “Spicy” Spicer, Sarah “Kathy Bates From Misery” Huckabee, and Kayleigh “Stepford Barbie” McEnany.  Mrs. Obama is slated to begin the new job immediately after the inauguration.

Actor Kirk Cameron will be attending with his date, a photo of his wife strapped into a chastity belt for safety. 

Joe Barron, head of Biden’s transition team and expert on Moldy Teabaggers Jealous of Black Women told the Washingqueef Post that failed President Trump’s cult of unfortunately-handicapped shitbums have already begun to register their 5-year old joke backlash.

“It’s pretty common among the Trumpy chimps to pretend Mrs. Obama is a man, as if they’re pulling each other’s tits and cackling together in a McDonald’s ball pit.  When it comes to Trump’s supporters, not a one of the men has even seen his penis over a belly full of Natty Light and pork rinds, and nearly all the ‘females’ look like heads of cauliflour on top of Daleks.  It’s pretty embarrassing for them to simply exist knowing that Michelle is more successful and attractive than any of them will ever be.  Just remind the poor throwbacks that every one of them will be forgotten within a year.”

Obama accepted the position last week, promising the American people in an open letter that she would do her best to communicate the new President’s thoughts and deeds to the media.  With a stipulation.

I mean the accredited media, by the way.  We’re not issuing press passes for incompetent teabag fairy tale merchants like Newsmax or OAN.  No crap garbage.  I’m sure the teabagging twits can just yank themselves off to their paranoid fantasies without my help.”

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