Barack and Michelle’s eldest daughter had some happy news for them this Christmas season. But, like all of the Obamas, the real story came with an insidious catch.
On the side that’s cause for celebration, the 22-year old first daughter known for her troubles with the law and constant protesting, announced to both her family and Joe Barron of Tattlequeefs magazine that she and her long-time boyfriend, Jose Alexandro Cacahuate Francisco Del Taqueria, 24, were ready to tie the knot.
The hitch is that young Jose is what’s known in many thuggish circles as a Capitan, or “Captain” in the deadly organization that former President Donald Trump himself warned us about at great length – MS-13.
For those unaware, MS-13 is a Los Angeles based brutal street gang which came about from gatherings of rabid fans of Microsoft’s Office 2013 suite. Although later versions have boasted far better features, these violent spreadsheet purists feel that the MS-13 update perfectly addressed touch-screen ease of use and runs gigaseconds faster than its modern relatives.
Although neither of the bride-to-be’s parents have publicly addressed their future son-in-law’s position in the frighteningly obsolete gang of number crunchers, Newsmax TV’s fattest journalist Kenny Porker, believes that the future does not bode well for the Obama family.
“Trust me, there are quite a few things we here at Newsmax know for sure. One. Donald Trump will always be President no matter who is. Number two. Everything you see on mainstream media is fake news. And four, blacks and Mexicans can’t do math. I’m sorry. Am I too REAL for you snowflakes? Huh? Newsmax doesn’t give a shit, pussies. 80% of our viewers have cardiac events halfway through any given broadcast. We don’t care. I don’t even wear pants to work anymore.”
Nonetheless, the happy couple are scheduled to become man and wife at a service sometime in July at the Obama family home. They are registered for gifts through Cracker Barrel’s gift shop.