Michelle – ‘I Am Bisexual’

FINALLY!

It was the announcement heard all over the world.  Hollywood and Washington insiders alike started a virtual landslide of comments, diatribes and rumors when, only five years ago, in 2015, Michelle Rodriguez, star of Avatar and the many films in the Fast and Furious franchise uttered those three words during an interview with Joe Barron in Entertainment Weekly.

Rodriguez is credited for simultaneously causing both airborne Lamborghinis and movie theater boners.

Rodriguez, a close friend and devotee of the Obamas explained additionally, that future articles about her preference should feature the image of Michelle Obama, whom she credits with being the strongest woman she’s ever met and a lifelong idol.

“There’s a lot of old and decrepit shitbags who wobble around behind Trump that think it’s hilarious to pretend Mrs. Obama isn’t a ‘woman.’  That’s what happens when you grow too stupid in your life to even be able to distinguish between the sexes.  Then again, these are the filthy pieces of horsecrap who voted for a con man twice and have lives that revolve around a fairy tale made up on 4chan, so it’s kind of expected.  At least menopause and black mold took care of most of them being able to squirt out larva.  I’m rich, die mad, teabaggers.”

The outspoken star has often spoken about her sexual preferences, and doesn’t feel that she owes any apologies or justification to those she calls : ‘ignorant zealots who last got laid in a horse-drawn carriage.”  Presumably, the actress was referring to religious leader and death pool favorite Pat Robertson, who admitted in his autobiography to performing oral sex on a Clydesdale during a parade in 1991.

Robertson famously injected hydrogen gas into his skull back in 2003 to “make something baby Jesus could hump when he’s cold.”

Even though, once again, the announcement really has nothing at all to DO with first lady Michelle Obama, it’s certain to gather a host of comments from oval-headed squirrel hunters in Louisiana.  Luckily, many of these embarrassments to America believe they can handle meth by the pickup-truck load.

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