An extensive eight-month long poll of female Americans between the ages of 14 and 28 has finally garnered a result, and for the fifth year running, the number one spot for “Best Role Model” has again been filled by former First lady Michelle Obama. The survey received over nine million replies and was tallied by the venerable Joe Barron Institute for Intelligence in Queefsylvania, Tennesee.
The bestselling author, celebrity, and portrait of power also received top honors for “Most Beautiful First Lady”, beating out Jackie Onassis at the number 2 spot, and Mary Todd Lincoln at third. Current American placeholder Melania Trump proved ineligible for the study due to nearly seventy percent of her body being constructed of plastic and carbon polymers, thereby disqualifying her from being considered a human “female.”
Hollywood darling and second-place runner-up Kim Kardashian told Badonk A Donk magazine that she was a long-time admirer of Mrs. Obama, and extolled her many virtues that make her a national hero.
“Oh. My. God. That woman is like the silver-sequined gold-lined Gucci handbag of American first ladies. She wrote that whole book, you know, all by herself, and knows how to market. Marketing is a big thing. Trust me. I made myself a whole brand out of absolutely nothing. She’s a successful lawyer, which I know a lot of her detractors in the Trump cult don’t believe. But they aren’t exactly the smartest or cleanest of rabble, are they? One time I had some old man at a vape club party walk up to me with one of those MAGA hats on, and I just called security right away. I don’t need to have some pervy dirtbag get his stank all over me. Those people are godawful embarrassing. I mean, really.”
Coming in behind Kardashian, no pun intended, were luminaries Oprah Winfrey, film star Stormy Weathers, and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Those are certainly sisters who are doing it for themselves.