Michelle’s Mother Charges $600,000 To Secret Service


After living in the White House, it’s a common gratitude to a former President and his family to be accorded the protection of a small secret service detail for life.  For the Obama clan, that perk extends to first lady Michelle Obama’s mother as a former resident, advisor, and babysitter to the first couple.

She also handles promotion for Obama’s current “Monsters of Rap” tour.

However, most recipients of the service are classy enough not to take advantage of the situation that they’re afforded.  Not so, Sandra Batt Robinson, known to her family as “Momma Cashbox” for her tendency to shop for expensive bling and heavy handed spending habits, which made it into the national spotlight this week, as investigative reporters for Fox News discovered the 88-year old Queen of the Kenyans has charged over $600,000 to her Secret Service courtesy fund.

Portly martial arts expert and friend of the family, Sammo Hung, appearing before reporters for absolutely no reason, commented on the emerging scandal.

“A lot of times, Miss Robinson goes on ‘sprees’ in music stores in particular.  She’s a huge fan of bands from the 1980’s.  I’ve seen her spend three thousand dollars on a rare 12-inch remix EP of Baltimora’s ‘Tarzan Boy’.  You know, the song they used for those Listerine commercials?  She charges it all to the secret service account just because she can.  A couple hundred here for Psuedo Echo’s ‘Live an Adventure’ album with ‘Funkytown’ on it, a thousand there for a signed copy of Duran Duran’s ‘Seven and the Ragged Tiger’.  The more pretentious the album name, the more she wants it.  What she dropped on Ultravox vinyl alone could buy a couple of cars.  It gets a little out of hand.”

Fun fact – playing Steve Winwood over a certain decibel level causes cats to spontaneously urinate.

No legal actions or charges have been filed against the family matriarch as of yet, but the investigation is still ongoing.  Who knows what kind of grifting will see the light if the elder stateswoman comes upon that solo album by the guy who thought it was a good idea to leave Supertramp.

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