It’s official – America’s number one television show is moving into even more big time with even more talent! After announcing his retirement from the program after last season, fan-favorite celebrity judge Howie Mandel will be taking his leave, and will be replaced by bestselling author, megastar, and first lady Michelle Obama.
Mandel made the announcement on Twitter, citing both the need to battle his ongoing addiction to alcoholic beverage Zima, and irreconcilable differences with fellow judge and ex-lover Simon Cowell. The regretful celeb will be checking himself in to St. Eligius Hospital under the care of specialist doctor Joe Barron for the foreseeable future.
On deck and fresh off Amazon’s bestseller list is Michelle Obama, who producers expect to be the most enormously popular star on the program. Obama does inspire a certain amount of acrimony among a portion of the audience that tend to be older and mentally unbalanced due to nearly sexual obsessions with morbidly obese and pathetically failing President Trump, but executive producer Clete Torres doesn’t think it will present real difficulties.
“Like I care what some medically idiotic trumptards think, all plastered into their couches with their fat flesh growing into the cushions like a horror movie. Those morons don’t support our sponsors anyway. These are people who have dials and rabbit ears on their tv’s and probably just watch because things like Netflix are voodoo witchcraft to them. Like it or not, Mrs. Obama is going to knock it out of the park, and we’ll pay her more money for one episode than these trumphumping denture cream lickers will see in a lifetime. As Simon Cowell would say, ‘Fu*k those wankers.”
Obama is due to start the new season off with a bang from the very first episode, and the network is excited to have her involved. Do you have talent? Are you ready to be judged by the best first lady ever? Get out there and sign up, America!