The date September 11th brings a host of memories to bear in the hearts and minds of all Americans. In 2001, it was the day of the biggest terrorist attack on our soil in history, a game-changing event that rallied us together in opposition to despair. A decade later, it was the date of a smaller attack in Benghazi, Libya, that sent conservatives into dirtying their diapers with attempts to defer blame on President Obama and Hillary Clinton.
It is that President, Barack Obama, who will be appearing this year from the Holy Balcony at the Vatican in Rome, to speak about the infamous attacks. Accredited news service CNN expects millions to tune in for the inspirational message, while elderly entertainment network Fox News will eschew the event altogether, instead broadcasting a home video of host Sean Hannity masturbating to Capri Sun commercials, a Caucasian tradition.
Sandy Batt, treasurer of the Obama Fan Club chapter 213, California, gave some insights on what the oratory enlightenment will cover.
“Mr. Obama – or, Our True Leader as we call him, will be speaking about Uniters and Dividers. The original 9/11 attacks sought to divide us as a country, and even under the first mentally handicapped President, W, failed because the most gullible and stupid of our numbers were still satisfied with a white leader, no matter how dumb. The second attack actually worked because by then, Obama had to deal with the emerging teabagger racist right, who invented conspiracy theories. This led them to elect an even more shitbrained figurehead, Trump, to embarrass everyone normal. That’s why we’re in this mess today. Trump is the epitome of what happens when the terrorists win.”
The speech is expected to last for about an hour on prime time schedules across the nation, and will be live-streamed over several internet outlets. Pope Francis is expected to follow up with a demonstration of how to correctly karate chop a trumper who brings up Q-anon in a public setting.