Malia Obama’s dorm room has been raided by Harvard Campus Police after complaints from people in surrounding rooms.
The complaints were mostly the same, all touching on two things: an obnoxiously sweet smell, and even more obnoxious crunching noises at all hours of the day. It is obvious that she did not respect the education of those around her.
However, because of her status, it seemed that campus police were super scared of the 22-year-old. It’s been reported by her neighbors and closest friends that Malia barks at the security guards to get them to leave her alone.
We received this statement from Doug down the hall:
“Yeah, dude. She barks at everybody. It’s ruff.”
In order to catch the security’s attention, students had to form a coalition. The coalition quickly earned the title of “Barack’s A Repulsive Father” (BARF) as people began to realize that something deeper was going on in that Harvard-educated brain.
Eventually, BARF took over the campus, and Malia’s dorm room was raided by the campus police.
They found more than 200 bouncy balls, 17 dying cactuses, a lamp made from penguin skin, and a 60-pound bag of Cocoa Puffs cereal, which was believed to be the source of the crunching.
She must’ve been really cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, because when officials went to confiscate them, she bit them all as mercilessly as one may bite a cob of corn.
That wasn’t all the security officials confiscated from Malia’s room, though. They also left the room with a box filled with a suspicious white powder.
When tested by a lab, it turned out that Obama had stolen and pulverized the entirety of Abraham Lincoln’s personal copy of the world-famous book, “The Very Hungry Caterpillar.”
According to her roommate, she may have been ingesting it.
In true Obama fashion, none of this has been addressed. Malia has since been spotted on vacation with Ruth Bader Ginsburg in Hawaii. In every picture we’ve seen after the incident, Malia can be seen sneaking Cocoa Puffs out of her purse so no one will see.
The entire experience has proved one thing: being raised by such a loosey-goosey father has affected not only her mental state but her taste in cereal, too.