The recent passing of Conservative celebrity Herman Cain was a sad and unfortunate shock to everyone who’d known him. Although he showed the utmost confidence with the leadership of *President Trump and counted himself as a brave anti-masker, unafraid of the threat posed by the Covid-19 virus, it was that very pandemic killer that was responsible for silencing the voice that many friends and family called : “Herman Luther King.”
Patriots take care of their own, so a respectful and majestic funeral service is already planned, with many heads of state and important political figures receiving invitations. Trump himself is expected to attend and, indeed, give some sort of eulogy using probably at least two dozen different words, which is a respectful stretching of his vocabulary for such a good cause.
Former President Barack Obama, though, has already made it clear that he won’t be there through a tersely worded statement sent to the family on White House stationary that he probably went ahead and helped himself to on the way out of the job where he tried to destroy the country for eight years.
Obama’s funeral spokesperson, Sandra Batt, offered the Kenyan’s lame excuse to a collection of media figures from every source except Fox News, since they were too busy making new commercials for shitty overpriced pillows.
“To be perfectly honest, Mr. Obama doesn’t really know who Herman Cain was. They never really crossed paths. He was a pizza man, right? I don’t think Barack ever tried whatever pizza it was he made. I mean, when we told him about the guy, he thought ‘Herman Cain’ was in the Dave Matthews Band or something. Like, THAT white and boring. So, no, he won’t be going, sorry. Plus, he never goes anyplace where Trump might be walking around shitting in his pants. It’s a deal-breaker.”
Cain is due to lie in state next Monday. The service will take place soon afterwards, followed by a wake, at which Cain will be hand-tossed, baked to perfection, and delivered to his final resting place within thirty minutes.