It’s a safe bet that every American is at least somewhat familiar with the name “Benghazi” by now, if not halfway knowledgeable of the events that occurred there during the time Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were in charge. It was a horrible terrorist attack that left four Americans dead and a nation divided between the truth and irrational conspiracy theories. Well that nightmare is about to come to an end conclusively when, as early as next week, attorney general Bill Barr will release the never-before-seen “Benghazi tapes” to the world media.
The tapes had been kept by the Pentagon under top secret guard, and are actual physical VHS recordings taken by amateur cameramen in Obama’s war room during the situation. The obsolete media choice was due to the filmmakers, at the time, actually just being on the scene to film a stylized documentary about the former President’s sweet collection of Micronauts.
Joe Barron of the Department of Homeland Tomfoolery explained the significance of the Benghazi Tapes, and what, if anything, they might reveal.
“These tapes are basically the Holy Grail of Benghazi conspiracy theory. So very many conservatives and mentally-ill horse’s asses believe ridiculous things about the attack, like the nebulous ‘stand down order’, which Fox News was forced to admit they invented out of pure fear mongering, or the fairy tale that Obama wouldn’t refer to the killers as ‘terrorists’, even though mountains of evidence show he did mere hours later. A lot of really stupid people watch tardvideos on YouTube or read garbage on Facebook by complete dipshits and have convinced themselves that they’re agents of the X-Files. Meanwhile, the X-Files were FBI, who these pants-shittingly moronic Corkys think are crooked because Trump gives Vladmir Putin keys to his lingerie drawer, and they dared to maybe check into that.”
What will the mysterious Benghazi Tapes have to tell us when they’re finally released? Will the former President get the comeuppance that schizos like Donald Trump think he deserves? Or will it be a lot of old teabaggers crying like when someone’s sister gets married to fiddle music?