The West Coast Candy and Confectioners convention in Yorine Lake, California, is normally a jolly collection of chocolateers, jelly baby tanks, and happy families maneuving through throngs of sweet-toothed enthusiasts to see what the coming year’s largest treat manufacturers have coming up. This year, however, with guest speaker Barack Obama helming the festivities, it quickly turned into a sticky mess of controversy.
Obama took the stage at noon, as the cotton candy machines whirred with new computer-aided technology shaping the wispy sugar strands into new forms resembling celebrities and sports stars. After a non-exceptional few minutes of babble, the former President decided to take a few questions, at which point, Joe Barron, a nose-hair trimming specialist from Sokadickie, Wisconsin stood up at the microphone and, like Han Solo, shot first.
“Do you believe you should be held accountable for your help with the murder of four American citizens in Benghazi?”
The center filled with silence. California is not as accustomed to the presence of the trumptarded, and many patrons crossed themselves in shame and disbelief. The blackest President since Clinton sighed and rambled out the following missive:
“What was I supposed to do sir? Strap on a jetpack and fly over with my arms full of C-4? It was a terrorist attack. I was advised that sending in forces would result in more casualties. Unlike your fat stupid failure Trump, I listen to actual information. I suppose if your friends the Republicans had strengthened embassy security like Hillary asked them to, it might have been different, and you wouldn’t have ended up with Trey Gowdy and a collection of teabagging mental clams making the deaths of four Americans into a running-joke conspiracy theory. Pat yourself on the back, you dipshit. You’re today’s biggest douche sandwich.”
The outburst was greeted by a round of applause, with even small liberal children waving chocolate flags and shouting Obama’s name with glee. I’m sure CNN will categorize the whole cacophony as pretty…