Army to Rename Fort Bragg After Obama

OH MY GOD.

There were few commanders in American history like Braxton Bragg of the Army of Tennesee.  During the civil war, the conservative patriot was famous for his campaigns and his sheer charisma, earning him a place in history and the honor of having his name representing one of our most important military bases.  All that will come to an end this year as a group of Generals has decided to rename the outpost and training facility after President Barack Obama.

Some commanders have voted to name the tuna m.r.e. after Trump. Because it sucks balls.

Lieutenant Commander Joe Barron of the Army’s potato unit explains the reasoning behind the change.

“Well first of all, Bragg was a confederate, a loser.  But wait, there’s more.  He was actually the loser’s loser, known for suffering defeat in nearly every battle he fought.  He was unpopular with his own men, and eventually sidelined.  This moron couldn’t even suck good enough.  And we named a BASE after him?  Anyway, we’re correcting that mistake now by honoring a real commander.  The man who caught America’s public enemy number one.  Who led a drone war that crippled ISIS.  Barack Obama.  A real legend and a real President.  Not a shitty impeached butterball like that guy now.”

Bragg eventually retired to Barnum and Baily’s circus, where he starred as a goatman until his flea-caused death.

Although impeached President Trump has already come out publicly against the regarding of any American base unfortunately named after a confederate scumbag, a majority of military heads seem to have blown him off, as they’ve come to do regularly.  A lot of our patriotic men and women are well aware : there’s following orders – and then there’s being stupid enough to follow a demented gorilla with a microdick.  And we don’t do that in America.  God bless us all.

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