Bagger City, Maine : Local police have identified the body of 18-year old college student Laura Palmer of Twin Peaks, Washington. Authorities discovered the deceased after receiving an anonymous telephone call early last night from a source identifying only as “The Log Lady.” Palmer was in Maine awaiting transfer to appear at court hearings in the Capitol as a key witness in the current “Obamagate” investigation.
Special Federal agents Joe Barron and Sandra Batt suspect foul play in the mysterious death, and have set up camp in order to collect evidence, sort through possible clues, and randomly drink coffee and speak into tape recording devices. Palmer’s classmate Audrey Horne, an exotic dancer, revealed a sordid bit of detail :
“Laura was a very observant girl. She’d been working for Mr. Obama for quite some time and probably knew all about whatever it is that the *President is so upset about. She’d also referred to someone named ‘Bob’ a lot. She’d also been very concerned with our friend Leo’s new shoes. After that, I saw her dancing with a great big giant man and a little person who had some kind of weird speech impediment. I don’t know. I only know you’re only going to find clues when the traffic light is green.”
Palmer’s remains were found in a nearby wooded-area, carefully wrapped in plastic, much like Donald Trump’s mouth hole in a Russian bordello. Local Sheriff Harry Truman suspects that more than meets the eye may be at work in this case, and has admitted to hosting several representatives of the Clinton Foundation at One Eyed Jack’s, a nearby hotel. Could this be the continuation of a well-known insidious pattern? It’s probably too early to tell. Make a note, Diane.