Reports from inside the Secret Service say that former President Barack Obama is being investigated for putting a $40 million hit on President Trump. According to internal memos that may or may not be authentic, the former Usurper in Chief is looking to destroy Trump’s reputation and then have him “suicided” in the Clinton tradition.
More than a dozen assassins loyal to the President have stepped forward and said they won’t do Obama’s dirty work, no matter how much he’s willing to pay. Joe Barron of Tulsa, an assassin willing to talk to us on condition of anonymity, says that he turned the offer down in person:
“Yeah, I went over there and heard him out. He was all ‘Trump’s a monster’ this and ‘for the good of the nation’ that. He doesn’t understand what it’s like for those of us trying to hide millions of dollars in tax havens. He thinks earning money by selling books and Netflix documentaries is the only way to live the American dream.
“There are thousands of people liike me, and we deserve a voice, too. Trump stands up for us and makes sure we’re protected from high taxes and prosecution for our crimes. That’s what modern America is all about. Not this socialist kumbaya crap the Dems are selling.”
The Justice Department will get the case as soon as the Secret Service can authenticate it, which probably won’t happen anytime soon. “They’re very sneaky, those Obamas,” Bill Barr said in an interview once, “they know how to get away with murder.”
Hopefully, President Trump won’t have any actual attempts on his life. Turning him into a martyr for morons would be far more dangerous than any pandemic.