Obama : ‘Biden Is Our Only Chance to Survive’


The moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived, and none too soon for presidential candidate Joe Biden.  At long last, President Barack Obama has come out publicly to give a glowing and yet, apocryphal endorsement of his VicePresident in a five-minute long statement, warning that he would be : “America’s only chance at survival.”

Our fallback option remains shrinking the Rock down to a size where he can punch the crap out of the virus with his giant brown muscles.

Joe Barron, Obama’s videographer, captured the entire endorsement for distribution to all media outlets, an excerpt of which has been provided below:

“My fellow Americans.  Our country is in crisis, a crisis made incredibly worse by Donald Trump, an incompetent man, proving to be a terribly inept leader, and, some might say, an agent of certain doom to our lives, our economy, and our very soul.  We can no longer afford to die in the name of a fragile ego and an uninformed and laughable administration.  My friend, Joe Biden, is your only hope to survive.  I’m not asking you to vote for him.  I’m ordering you to vote for him.  Should Trump be re-elected, America will become indistinguishable from the one seen in the film ‘Night of the Comet.'”

Biden and Obama both support working towards a “Fifth Element” future, as opposed to a “Valerian” future. Too much purple.

Obama’s endorsement was quickly echoed by Planned Parenthood, the NAACP, the NFL, Pope Francis, both living Beatles, the Arbys restaurant chain, every military member on earth, the Avengers (except that asshole Falcon), and the Boy Scouts of America.  Fox News host Sean Hannity is already preparing a rebuttal for his evening show, even though an endorsement requires no rebuttal, but he’s been grouchy lately after his local whorehouse was quarantined.

Did Obama go too far in painting a picture of certain apocalypse should Biden fail to take the White House in November?  The message is certainly resonating with Democrats.  The #Biden4Life hashtag is trending at number one across the internet after only 2 hours of the announcement.

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