It was a sad day at the Obama Foundation compound in Sandy Batt Lake, Illinois yesterday, as word became official that the Obama’s vast corporate assets and financial holdings had been liquidated and were under special federal review after filing chapter 8 bankruptcy in financial court. Shocked employees were unceremoniously shown the door in the middle of the workday, computers and databases seized in front of them by agents of the court and sheriff’s deputies, accounts frozen, and even the break room emptied of artisian coffee creamer.
The Obama’s had been attempting to avoid bankruptcy by moving around assets to foreign banks, many of them, investigators revealed Sunday, located in central Iran. The news came with excited special announcements on many Fox News feature programs, with at least one pundit, Laura Ingram, visibly experiencing a vocal orgasm on live camera.
Experts say the former First couple had made a series of bad investments over years, coupled with bad judgement on personal purchases for the family. Sean Spencer, psychic detective and head of Bank of America’s Teabagger Department:
“Buying that mansion was badly timed, since just before, the Obamas had decided to re-invest in failed enterprise Solyndra to the tune of eleventy million dollars. After that fell through, the kids went ahead and used their parent’s MasterCard to purchase 200 million dollars worth of vape pens and hair scrunchies. It was really a recepie for failure. Their only choice was declaring chapter 8, since chapters 1 through 7, legally speaking, are only for white people. If these people end up with fifty cents and an old Smashmouth T-shirt, I’ll be surprised.”
With federal authorities hammering down their investigations, and creditors lining up like menopause pamphlets across Ann Coulter’s tear-stained hope chest, it looks like Michelle’s next book might just be written in red ink.