Michelle Obama Throws Tantrum After DUI Stop

GLUG GLUG GLUG!

Well, well, well.  Guess which former First Lady, international celebrity, female role model, and best-selling author was pulled over for a DUI spot check last night in her brand new Mercedes, reeking of cheap Mad Dog 20/20?  If you guessed Sarah Huckabee Sanders, well, you’d also be right except for the whole part in the beginning with all the accolades.  No, it was Barack Obama’s wife, Michelle, who had been attending a party earlier in the evening to celebrate the upcoming release of the new Marvel movie, “The Eternals”.

Selma Hayek’s in it, which does add mucho calor.

Despite the fact that the current pandemic atmosphere has pretty much put the kibosh on parties of all types, let alone one about what is sure to be the first Marvel feature to genuinely suck, the news of the bust flew through the trumptard community like a methamphetamine needle with a jetpack.  According to witnesses, the Flotus of Fametown became upset after being rightfully told that the Eternals was a comic book that had been cancelled dozens of times because it’s full of characters that literally nobody cares about.  She was seen knocking back the last swallow of a 40-ounce hard apple cider can, pushing herself in behind the wheel of her new 2020 Mercedes Queefmaster, and squealing out onto the road, just nearly avoiding a collision with Sandy Batt, a Hollywood actress known for her role as “Alien Commander #4” in the 1984 feature “The Last Starfighter.”  Mrs. Obama was then pulled over by California Sheriff’s Deputy Jack Bowman:

“Mrs. Obama proferred her license and insurance card when asked, and seemed irritable upon initial contact.  I asked her to step out of the vehicle and she became verbally abusive towards me and the Sheriff’s Department in general, using words like ‘Bacon blumpkin boys’ and ‘Jack-booted titlickers.’  After the initial confrontation appeared to be turning sour, I radioed for backup and informed the suspect of her rights.  After arriving at the station, it was determined by detectives that the incident had not, in fact, occurred at all, and that I had imagined it after spending three hours in my cruiser licking the belly of a frog that was secreting psychotropic toxins from it’s torso.”

“Hey man, can you 86 the Yoko Ono music? I’m having flashbacks to a previous life where I was a Solid Gold dancer.”

Despite the incident having been as fictional as Donald Trump’s billionaire status, it’s a good bet that the Maven of Muslammia will get out of the scandal unscathed after the liberal media “tells the whole story.”

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