High-powered lawyer. First lady. Bestselling author. Last Starfighter and savior of Earth against invasion by the Ko-Dan armada. Michelle Obama has worn a lot of hats and held many titles. But now, she’ll be using her Harvard Law skills to save children at the border like Eddie Murphy in “The Golden Child.”
The heroic harridan announced this morning via press-conference that she would be filing suit against I.C.E. immigration services for kidnapping and confining children en masse with co-filings for gross negligence against the originators of the abduction planning, Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey Sessions. Although many frothy-mouthed followers of America’s Lumpiest Leader believe Barack Obama held children in tiny cages first, to no one’s surprise, they’re inaccurate in that belief, since it was Sessions and Trump who specifically engaged in this program in April of 2017 with the stated intent to utilize seperation and incarceration as a scare tactic. Again, shocking absolutely no one into crapping themselves with surprise, the owner of the lock-up facilities is an old associate of the President who is turning a daily profit by overcharging the goverenment for their care and imprisonment.
The superstar First Lady told the press she would be seeking a record amount of damages and the maximum available jail time in the case:
“This is not my husband’s policy. This is Trump and Sessions, and I intend to make them own it. There is no other description for their crime than kidnapping on a mass scale, causing irreperable damage to these children, and in some tragic cases, death. They have already blatently ignored a court-order to reuinite these kids with their parents. I will push for the maximum penalty in each and every case. And no, I didn’t ‘lose my law liscense’, for all the illiterate Trumptards out there. Get over yourselves.”
Mrs. Obama has already completed filing the paperwork, and intends to formally charge the President, Sessions, and the management of I.C.E. within the next two weeks. America will surely be watching.