Barack Obama Won’t Back Any Democrat Currently Running For President: ‘They’re All Clowns’

Barack Obama has been quiet about who he’s going to endorse as the Democratic nominee for president. Today, we found out why: He won’t be backing any of them. In a statement to Chicago Today, a magazine for young men of color trying to stay alive in a country full of systemic racism, Obama made it clear that he doesn’t think any of the candidates can beat Trump:

“Trump is a cancer, for sure. He’s the worst president to ever hold that office, and I cleaned up after George W Bush. But let me be clear: None of the current candidates are going to win. Therefore, I’m not backing any of them.”

There’s some speculation that Obama’s statement is meant to sway his own wife to run, as she would most likely unite the Democrats and offer what none of the other candidates can: electability. When the primary season started, it looked like someones right big toenail would be able to beat him, but now, with all the infighting and controversy, it’s looking more and more like Trump will walk away with the prize in an electoral win that will make 42 percent of American voters happy.

What about Bloomberg?

“Bloomberg is a turd,” said Obama, “he was elected Mayor of New York and a Republican. He changes parties like the wind blows. Maybe he should do something more productive with his money, like solving homelessness or buying all of Trump’s debt.” Most pundits agree that Bloomberg is a misogynist, racist, condescending little weasel whose entry only solidifies what people already know: The Presidency is no longer about public service, it’s about narcissists and their giant egos.

Whatever. It’s not like it matters. Our country is run by dollars. The decisions are made in corporate boardrooms, not in public offices. DC is a fun place to visit, though.

About Flagg Eagleton 46 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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