During an offshoot of Attorney General Bill Barr’s investigation of the Obamas, federal cyber crime experts have made a shocking discovery. Those “Obamaphones” that the former President had given away to low-income and lazy unemployed food-stampers so that they could call in to American Idol, or whatever, have been leeching banking information and funds for nearly ten years to the tune of an estimated eleventy-three billion dollars.
The phones have been found to operate a hidden app called : “horkincash” which secretly accesses not only any online bank accounts the owner may have, but the balances of their EBT cards, siphoning off pennies a day, little by little, virtually unnoticably. The insidiousness of the scam is matched only by Richard Pryor’s thieving scheme in “Superman 3.” Pryor is Obama’s second cousin once removed.
Agents tracing the stolen money have been led to secret private bank accounts in Kenya and Chicago, both well-known “hoods” of the Obamas. At least 3 of the accounts are under the alias : “Barry Soetero.”
It certainly looks like the Lefty Liberal Lunkheads have been caught red-handed this time. Democratic strategist John Guluv appeared on the Fox News “Whores ‘A Poppin'” program to defend the ex-Commander-in-Chief :
“The phones started under Bush. It was a Bush-era program. I don’t know why this is so hard for you witless teabagging donkeyballs to understand. And Barr isn’t investigating anything. Nothing at all. It’s kind of a full-time job just covering up the crimes of a President like he’s known to do. And Trump just runs his fat ass around dropping dueces on the law on a daily basis. Stop with the phones. Just go back to trying to convince old people there’s a ‘Knockout game’ where kids are going to assault them at random. That one did okay.”
Investigators are asking for the phones to be recalled and will televise an order across multple television and internet networks to identify drop-spots. They suggest that until this order, anyone with an Obamaphone should turn it off, remove the battery, swallow it, defecate it out, and then mail it to Senator Lindsey Graham. He makes mobiles and wind chimes.