Malia Obama is Spending Christmas in Jail

Malia Obama is in trouble with the law…again. This time, it wasn’t some petty theft or minor bloogie charge. This time she went way too far.

According to the District Attorney for Atlantic City, Malia was trying to buy a “party house” on the beach using counterfeit cash. A spokesman for the DA told us:

“This was a brazen attempt to acquire property illegally. We don’t know how she thought she would get away with it, honestly. She had a briefcase full of $500 bills, which are only used for international transactions.

“The real estate agent she tried to bamboozle said she wanted to buy three properties in total. Her plan was to build houses on the empty properties to use as party spots for her and her friends. According to local building codes, she’s allowed to build as many as four houses on each. That would have been devastating to the entire area.”

We asked the Atlantic City Building Department, which confirmed that Malia could have charged thousands in rent for each property, which would grow with every house she built. There’s even a chance that she could have built hotels.

Authorities were tipped off before the transaction could be completed. She fed them a line of crap about winning the money in a beauty contest. Nobody bought it. Now, she’ll sit in jail through the holidays, with no hope of being bailed out. Local Judge, Hon. Art Tubolls, said:

“This youngster needs to learn a lesson. We’re not about to let her family’s power and influence come into play. She’ll sit in jail until January 3rd like everyone else unless she can manage to roll doubles.”

Liberals are already coming to her defense, denying that the money was counterfeit and claiming that she won it in a local casino. “A pile of cash was just waiting for somebody, and she was the lucky winner,” said her sister, Sasha, “she’s just being persecuted for who she is.”

The local DA reminded her that Free Parking was just a neutral spot and was never intended to be a lottery. The judge is expected to let her go on her own recognizance after her arraignment with a small bail and a $15 luxury tax.

Maybe she should have gone to Hawaii with her family instead.

About Flagg Eagleton 39 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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