Michelle Obama’s mother, Mary McGillicuddy Robinson, has died at the age of 84. She went peacefully in her sleep before being mostly devoured by her Lhasa Apso, and Chicago police have ruled out any foul play. The real story, however, is how she worded her Last Will and Testament. According to Illinois Comptroller and Keeper of the Public Record, Art Tubolls, “Michelle” doesn’t legally exist:
“Mrs. Robinson’s will clearly states that her possessions should all go to ‘my son, Michael Robinson Obama.’ In Illinois, a person can’t legally change their gender, so she had to use his real name or she wouldn’t have gotten anything.”
Robinson’s wealth includes three properties in Illinois and one in Mississippi along with a bank account containing the $12 million the taxpayers gave her to babysit Malia and Sasha while she lived in the White House. According to the IRS, that money was never declared and the Obama’s will be on the hook to pay.
Along with her fortune, Robinson left her “adorably gay son in law, Barack” her collection of hats and a tan pantsuit said to have been worn after Labor day by Hillary Clinton. Lloyd’s of London places the value of that piece of clothing at nearly $4 million because of its “historical significance.”
On top of that, Michael will inherit a ton of jewelry, six thoroughbred racehorses, a Texas Hold ’em table and an inflatable 16′ Dynatex pool. There’s no word yet on who will maintain and award the world-famous McGillicuddy scholarship, which is given to 4 illegal immigrants per year to help with their immigration payments and education.