Obama’s Kenyan Sister Suspected In Bank Robbery


The news read like a scene from an “Ocean’s 11” sequel : a daring and well-organized infiltration through security systems ; a harrowing escape, chased by police and national militia.  A bank robbery unmatched in Kenyan history, netting the bandits over 28 million dupas.  And evidence heavily shows that Barack Obama’s sister Oompaka was likely the ringleader.

Three years younger than the former President, Oompaka was raised in the Moocow district of Southern Kenya, where she worked on a sugarbeet farm with her aunts and uncles, sometimes playing a game known as “Kakaloo”, an offshoot of soccer played using the severed head of a rabbit with her various cousins.

A teenaged Pele once booted this mare’s noggin into the net from a seated position while fashioning it’s body into underpants. Stunning athelete.

As she grew, she threw herself into reading, especially the works of her brother and sister-in-law, which is when authorities believe she “went bad.”  Reading between the lines, she found the same lust for money as her kin, and was arrested constantly.  Goat-thieving.  A daring midnight raisin heist.  All leading up, it seems, to robbing the First National Bank of Kenya.

Pictured : a busy Monday morning at a Kenyan bank as citizens rush to deposit corn husks and heroin.

Kenyan police have issued a bolo and are asking citizens for help in finding Oompaka as soon as possible.  An Obama on the loose.

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